Four hours and five trash bags later, this is what I had accomplished:
While I was there, I ordered a hoagie. When it got delivered, one of the cats (who have previously been terrified of me) immediately became my best friend. I knew she was trying to steal it, but she never really got close enough to steal it. But she was loving all over me for the rest of the night. I have no clue if she has a name, but I named her Sweets because I've been watching too much Bones, and she was being sweet.
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